November 13, 2007 5:51
In Which I Criticize A Magazine That Came Out Over Six Weeks Ago
How do you not buy a magazine with Gollum on the cover? A publication about Gollum is to me what the One Ring is to Gollum himself: a must-have. This being said, the Entertainment Weekly sporting everyone's favorite Ring-fiend and the headline "Return of the Ring" was a wank. A total wank. No new information about The Hobbit movie. Just tons of recap of the old Peter Jackson vs. New Line controversy. Super wank.
The EW guys cynically put Gollum on their cover to sell guaranteed copies to dorks -- it's the exact same way People would put Princess Di on their cover to sell guaranteed copies to housewives.
I guess that makes Gollum the new Princess Di. (What? They both craved jewelry, were attracted to power, died tragically, and made reluctant love to Dode El Fayed.)
Anyway, here is the one paragraph in the issue of EW that justifies the entire cover story:
"There has been a détente,'' says one insider. "There is now the beginning of a discourse between Peter Jackson and New Line that's running parallel to the litigation proceedings."
That's right, guys. Devote an entire magazine to a rumor. A RUMOR. Articles, sidebars, timelines, and all in the service of... a not-for-attribution quote. Ug.
Look, we all want P.J. to make the Hobbit. (If not him, let me put a word in for Henry Jaglom.) But give us something more than this empty soufflé of old news. Give us something to hang our hopes on, something with real journalistic oomph! Give us... "The Hobbit" FANTASY CAST.
Speculative casting is where Entertainment Weekly really outshines the other members of the Fourth Estate. So why hide your best side? Spit it out, EW! You know, Sean Connery as Thorin Oakenshield, Jake Gyllenhall as Bilbo, jam Legolas in there somehow, Alan Rickman as the voice of Smaug, Robbie Coltrane as Bombur -- with Photoshopped pictures of the actors in Middle Earth armor and everything. (Why I am telling EW how to fake cast a pretend movie? Would I tell Chuck Yeager how to fly a jet?)
This is the hard-hitting stuff that EW is great at. Maybe, just maybe, the best.
November 11, 2007 5:55
Strike Journal, Part 1
I have a confession to make. I love picketing. Every day, I spend four hours walking back-and-forth on a sidewalk in front of 20th Century Fox Studios. Four hours of protesting the movie and TV producers' corporate greed. Four hours of light, low-impact cardio. Four hours of cool, breezy fresh air. Four hours of cars honking at me in support. Four hours of chatting with smart, funny people. Four hours of avoiding Jesse Jackson. I look forward to picketing when I go to bed. I wake up, excited to grab my sign and walk the line. What famous or interesting people will show up today? What book-on-tape will I listen to when I get bored of talking to famous and interesting people? I can't wait to picket!
I hope this strike is resolved. I hope everyone can go back to work as soon as possible. I hope the AMPTP gives the writers a fair residual on digital distribution. Easily the cheapest way to settle this thing -- for them. But since when have corporations cared only about the bottom line? (Sarcasm.) No, they'd rather slap down the heart of their industry, just to show off that they can. Classy.
Well, the one thing the producers didn't count on is... picketing is great! It's simple. It's outside. It's slimming. It's UNIFYING. Before picketing, when I'd see a herd of unfamiliar writers from some other show, I'd think, "Look at those jackasses. They think they're so funny, with their t-shirts and their glasses and their scripts... weak." Presumably, the other TV staff is looking at us and thinking, "Look at those other jackasses. They think they're so funny. Especially the one with the receding hairline and ugly beard... tool." Now, everyone is HAPPY to see everyone else. We're all brothers and sisters in arms, not assorted groups of misanthropic people pods. Maybe picketing is the antidote to cynicism and loathing!
Of course, it's only been one week. But I have A LOT of picketing left in me.
NOTE: If you care at all why this strike is happening, check this out:
November 10, 2007 3:20
I Love Easy Comedy
It's probably a good thing that the "Dubledore is gay" story is old news. If J.K. Rowling dropped that bomb yesterday, it would be hard to resist writing a bunch of obvious jokes about this entry-level comedy-delivery premise. I mean, a gay wizard? Who could say no to that? It writes itself. I.E. it's easy. Too easy. But the pull of easy comedy is hard to resist.
When the gay Dumbledore story broke (back in the pre-writers strike era), we all knew it was too easy. I tormented the younger, cooler writers at work with a mock-hacky/genuinely hacky gay wizard run, now happily forgotten. (All I remember about it is an unmentionable romance between twin Gryffindors Padma and Pavarti Patel.) Being part of a writing staff is great because you can quickly and painlessly get the easy comedy out of your system, and more on to... hard comedy (whatever that is).
Of course, Saturday Night Live did a gay wizard sketch, theirs starring Bill Hader as the out-of-the-closet Albus Percival Wulfric Brian. I enjoyed this sketch A) because I like gay Harry Potter jokes, and B) because I savor the humiliation of the sexy, shaved warlock extras. (This is the part of the post where I switch topics because I have run out of things to say about what I started writing about. Good thing blogs are not actual journalism, or writing, or anything. Good thing blogs are nothing.)
When watching SNL, It's always fun to think about the production headaches of a live comedy show. Imagine, the behind-the-scenes suckiness for the poor producer who had to hire a bunch of non-speaking hunks, dress them up as magical rough trade, then direct them to dance in a homosexual fashion -- while not screwing up LIVE TELEVISION. Delicious.
In a show with such a rich history of crazily-dressed, humiliated extras, it's amazing that no fame-crazed "background artist" has ever made a break for the foreground. It would be so, so, so easy for a gay background wizard to go nuts in some actor-y way on live TV, and achieve YouTube glory for at least a week. (If this has happened, please stop reading now.) SNL must have some hardcore clause in the extras' contracts that scares the hell out of anyone thinking of putting on their own comedy show in middle of any scene set in a busy restaurant, crowded party or wizarding bathhouse.
(NOTE: If blogs were actual journalism, instead of what they are, which is nothing, I could find out the answer to the questions raised in the above paragraph by doing something called reporting. But I don't do that. That's for reporters. Reporters have to be accountable. That's why I became the kind of writer that only makes things up. Or takes real things and changes them enough so I can say I made them up.)
November 9, 2007 11:06
I'm Going to Venice for a Week
I don't know if there's anything nerdy in Venice. Though all that half-ruined masonry does remind me a bit of Gears of War. Anyway, that's where I'll be next week. Posting will be intermittent-to-nonexistent.
Except for Matt, of course. Matt's going to be huge next week. A bit unfair, making him blog solo right when he's starting out, but maybe it'll be like a rite of passage. This is the way of our people. He will emerge a man, or he will die! This is Sparta! [insert Simpsons sound effect of running footsteps fading into the distance]
November 8, 2007 7:23
The World Rejoices As One More Person Blogs!
My name's Matt Selman. I write for The Simpsons. Well, I used to. (Strike!) Time.com has awesomely offered me a gig co-blogging on Nerd World. The other guy, Lev Grossman, seems pretty good at it so far. Lev is an actual journalist. He's intelligent and funny and drinks four big glasses of wine at expense-account dinners. So why did they ask me to post on Nerd World? Because my friend who gave me this gig thinks I am a giant nerd. Now, I'm not the nerdiest geek in the dorkiverse, but my credentials are solid.
Here's a few excepts from my Nerd C.V.:
1982 — Named pet mouse "Colossus," after the organic steel X-Man of the same name
1983-4 — Only physical activity: "Kangaroo" on the Atari 5200
1984-1989 — Most-worn T-shirt: "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Bill and Opus"
1986-89 — Played "Wizardry" with my father on a Macintosh SE/30. (I would fight the monsters, he would "map" the levels.)
1992 — During a game of Trivial Pursuit, after a question to which the correct answer was "Batman," I argued that the person who (correctly) said "Batman" was wrong, because Batman's real name is "The Batman." I was not kidding.
1995-1999, 2001-2002, 2004-2007 -- San Diego ComiCon Attendee / Panelist
1998 — Opening day attendee of "The Star Trek Experience" ride at the Las Vegas Hilton. Afterwards, drank "Tranya" in Quark's Bar and Restaurant with a guy who has a full-scale model of Han Solo in carbonite in his living room, except with the guy's face, not Solo's.
1999-present -- Ragged, asymmetrical beard
2000 — Girlfriend said she thought Superman got his super powers from Kryptonite, "you know, like Popeye and spinach." (Married her anyway.)
As you can see, I'm a mid-level, journeyman nerd. A seven on a scale of one to Lev Grossman. My posts will be nerdy, I assure you. Will my posts be self-indulgent? Probably a seven on a scale of one to every other blog in the universe. Will they be funny? Not if I have to write one every day. Which... I do.
(Note: Amazingly, my Microsoft Word spellcheck apparently doesn't know the word "blog." Update: Word spellcheck also doesn’t know the work "spellcheck.")
About Nerd World
Lev Grossman
This is a blog about anything and everything that could be plausibly labeled geeky--science fiction, fantasy, video games, comic books, tech stuff, and so on. If it could get you beaten up in junior high, it's fair game. About the Authors
Matt Selman
Matt Selman has worked eleven seasons and over two hundred episodes on The Simpsons. He currently serves as Executive Producer. About the Authors
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